On Feeling Needed

Not so many years ago there
were things that only I could
do.

There were many of those
things.

Make breakfast,
wipe a runny nose,
change a diaper,
buckle someone into
a carseat.

Then it was potty training,
making hot dogs or grilled cheese
sandwiches for lunch,
teaching them to tie their shoes.

Pretty soon we were up to
teaching them to make their
own lunch,
they learned how to comb their
own hair,
their clothes matched without
my help,
and their rooms became completely
their responsibility...no more
Mom clean-up!

Apparently Warren and I have
taken that part about helping
our children become independent
pretty seriously because my heart
did a flutter this morning when
Mikey asked very sincerely if I
could find him a pair of socks.

This is a rare request as he has
about a million pairs of white socks
and he knows how to find them, but,
the basket of whites was still unsorted
and in our room where Warren was sleeping.
So, this was the reason for the request.

I don't know why it so blessed me to
sort through this basket looking for
perfect matches but it did.

I guess sometimes you still want to
feel needed and relevant in your kids
lives.

Did that sound like a complaint?
It was just the opposite.
We are so thrilled and blessed to
watch our kids
grow up and take on more responsibility.
It is just so nice
to be asked to do
something tangible again.

This Mommy is growing up.

If you have been at this point in life
what did you struggle with?

Was it the letting go?
Holding your breath while they
risk their life and limb?
Wanting to micromanage their every
decision?
Not feeling needed anymore?

I didn't realize how comparatively
little I actually
do for them these days
until that small request was
made.

These days it is much more about
the emotional and thoughtful things
of life in which I usually participate.
The daily routine is fairly well established
and runs itself, for the most part.

Motherhood...it is the best gift
and the hardest challenge.

Enjoy the young people in your life
today..."tomorrow" they will be grown.

♥♥Becky K.♥♥

Top Ten Parenting Tips - Says me

10. Never set yourself up as perfect!

9. Say what you mean ~ and mean what you say!

8. Boys need eye contact when giving instruction or correction.

7. Don't feel you have to go into a long explanation for every thing you ask or tell your children to do. It is enough sometimes for them to "just" obey.

6. Do discuss things at their level. You don't have to tell a three year old "everything". That is not what they are asking for...

5. Do tell your child that you love them...every day!

4. Laughter, hugs and kisses are good for the soul!


A Juvenile African Elephant Joins Trunks with its Parent

Polar Bear Family

The First Kiss
3. A daily dose of God's Word for you...a spoonful for the children... does wonderful things in helping your days go easier and in laying the foundation for those teen years.

2. Love your spouse! The kids are watching and learning!


1. Pray daily for God's guidance and wisdom!

There you have it...All I have to share today!
♥♥Becky K.♥♥

I am Hanging On!

Those of you who have grown
children already know that at
some point life goes into
fast forward and your children
are suddenly making grown up
decisions...you are left thinking
how proud you are...but where did
the time go?

This week Mikey will have an interview
for a real job. Although he is just
sixteen, this job would be the perfect schedule
for him to continue his schooling and
would be similar to attending a
tech school.
He would learn sooooo much!
Amazing.

We will see if this is what the Lord has
in store for him. I am excited and
nervous all at the same time.

The thought of dropping him off for the
interview and not going with him just
boggles my mind. However, we are very
familiar with the company and many of the
people there. We trust it.

It is hardest on him to think of
leaving the local Feed and Garden
Supply Store where he has worked
part time since he was fourteen.
This kid is a worker. He has loved
it. His boss is absolutely awesome!
Mikey has been so conscientious and
loyal. I am proud of the person that
he has become...

My Baby Boy!!!!

Growing up so quickly!

If you have been through this, I need
your encouragement.
He will do well.
It will be ok.
I will survive.
You know, platitudes will be accepted.

♥♥Becky K.♥♥

With Jonathan's Help

This is the house, of which you only got to see the corner in the last post. This is the one attached to that tiny window that I find so fascinating. Doesn't this just take you back in time? As I passed by the other day, there was a little white haired lady weeding a flower bed. It was all I could do not to stop and ask her about this unique property. But, alas, we were on our way to work and could not spare the time.

Jonathan took this picture as we passed. Thank you, son.

Jonathan has been a very good sport about working this summer. He was initially very resistant to getting a job. He is uncertain about his abilities, which are much higher than he gives himself credit for. We asked that he not have to count money right away in this new job and his employers were fine with that. It is not that Jonathan can't count money, it is the pressure of someone waiting for him to do it that distracts him and makes him lose count. He will be fine if he does it enough and loses that nervousness. We didn't want him to run into a major frustration so soon after pushing him to work. Yes, we took the option of not working away. He needed to get over his fear and this was the time for it.

So, he has been working directly with tourists. Helping them enjoy their time at the farm where he works. He is very good at it, from what I hear. Jonathan always has been good with people. So, he has been tipped in skittles and dollar bills.
I thought the bag of skittles was unique.

Yesterday after I dropped him off I ran down to Route 30 and a shopping area there. It began to pour...and pour. I checked my cell phone and it was dead. ...Funny how they won't recharge themselves at the bottom of your pocketbook. Anyone have an idea for self charging cell phones? You'd make a million!

Anyway, I decided that as it did not look like it wanted to clear up any time soon, I would head back to the farm. The owners were trying to decide what to do when I got there. The tourists were having a blast. It didn't seem many of them were in a hurry to leave. I really expected an empty parking lot when I got there...but nope!
It was full.
In the downpour!

I commented to Chelsea that I could not believe these people were still smiling as they came out to their cars. It really must be better than Disneyworld...that is what they say!

Chelsea, Chloe and I waited an hour, after the decision was made to close, for Jonathan to appear. He didn't know we were there and he was having a very good time with his friends in the rain. While this may seem frustrating it is actually a huge blessing. Knowing that this, his first workplace, is comfortable and pleasant for Jonathan should give him the nudge he needs to feel good about his abilities in a more profitable workplace in a couple of years.

With every child we have different concerns.

But, one thing I know.

They are exactly who they are supposed to be and they are growing, so quickly, into awesome young men and woman. I am so thankful that God blessed us with these special people in our lives.

Blessings on your day!

Becky K.

Today's Young Men

I guess there is just a lot of deep stuff swirling around in my head this week. Yesterday's post went long and was very opinionated and here comes another one.

A friend of mine e-mailed me the other day about her 14 year old nephew. He has taken up "cutting". If you are not aware of the practice of cutting, it is when a person does physical harm to themselves in the form of slicing skin, usually on the arms, to "let out" the emotional pain inside.

This friend knew that some time ago I had researched "cutting" and that we had gone through some tough times with both of our boys, although neither of them practiced this.

This is what I shared with my friend about raising boys...my opinions...ours are not safely grown yet,(15 and 17)...I am no expert...just sharing from the heart... and our experiences and research.

1. When a young man turns 14 something often happens inside of him that he does not understand. The hormone levels begin to surge. He often feels angry but does not know why. (We provided a punching bag for a safe outlet of emotional energy) It is often very wise to talk to your son about the changes he is now experiencing, or soon will experience. Let him know that while he may feel like the Incredible Hulk is about to come out of him that what he is feeling is normal and has a physiological reason. There is nothing wrong with him. Let him know that he can control it and provide outlets, like the punching bag or an activity where he can let that energy flow.

2. Around this time he will start to want more independence and begins to attempt to separate himself from being the little boy he has been in the family. He wants to establish his own identity.

3. His body is changing and he is scared...and a little bit proud. But it is unnerving. Perhaps with all of the hormones he now has acne. He can begin a time
of self-loathing.

4. Often times this is a period in the life of a young man when he is susceptible to vices that are harmful to him. Monitoring Computer use and friends is vital at this point. Our experience with two boys showed that both got in over their heads with different issues, but the need for them was the same. We had to be the parents and get them out of the situations that the boys were not mature enough to know how to extricate themselves from. This made one of our sons very angry initially. He is thankful now. We, as parents, sometimes have to do really hard, and unpopular things. However, if we are doing these in love...it is the right thing.

5. I used to think that as the boys got older it would be fine to leave them at home rather than take them along for family functions. I no longer believe that this should be a routine allowance. We found that in doing this it sent the message that we were ok with our son, one in particular, not acting as a part of our family. He separated more. It did not help that a certain girl was talking us down on the phone at every opportunity.
The point being that we made a conscious decision when we figured out what was happening...talked to our son about it...and changed our policy. This child is a part of our family, we need him to complete it, and so he will participate when we go places and do things.
To see how much this meant to him was surprising. Of course he resisted at first. He thought we were stealing his freedom, or didn't trust him. We just kept telling him that he is loved and an important part of the family.
By the way, about that girl. We put a stop to those phone calls. If this child was 18 we would not have been so quick to do that, but, at fourteen, we had to. He was going down quickly.

6. You must tell your teen boy often that you love him. He is feeling unloveable. He has arms and legs that have sprouted all of a sudden, he feels happy one minute and totally grumpy the next. He is confused. Part man, Part boy. He needs to know that you love him unconditionally. You shouldn't expect him to act grateful for your declarations of love...just watch for that tiny smile or softening toward you over time. Do little things to show him you love him. I drive our Mikey to work nearly every day even though he could walk...he likes it and I can do this to show him that he is important to me. It is "our time". I love to sneak in that "I love you" just as he is headed into work. He grunts but that little smile is always at the corner of his mouth.

7. Please, above all, be the parent. So many of us fall into the trap of letting go of our children too soon. We want to be their friend. The years between 13 and 16 are not the time to do this. This is a time when they need our parenting more than ever. If we can shepherd our children wisely through these years the dividends are so great on the other side.

8. Having gone through rough times with both of our boys, I am not putting myself out there as the perfect parent. However, if you were to sit down and talk to the boys, they would tell you that when they were in over their heads they needed parents who loved them to get them out of it. They have each thanked us for our interventions in their lives.

My heart breaks for the young man my friend spoke of, who is in such deep torment. One thing I am sure of is that he needs a lot of love and big time parental involvement in his life...NOW! He needs help to get through this time. We have offered to meet with the parents. I don't know if it will happen, however, we are certainly praying for this family who loves their son so much.

"The Look"

I love after dinner conversations!

Recently we were enjoying one of these,
maybe it was Mother's Day, I am not sure.
Anyway, the time is not important.
What came out of it may be helpful to
someone.

When the children were young and likely
to get tired and cranky in a public place
I developed a "look" that I would give
them that meant "Behave! Now!"
They knew there would be consequences
when we got home if that look did not
change an attitude or a behavior.

I had all but forgotten about it but
Jonathan mentioned it during this conversation.
He said it went straight through him.
It got his attention and he did not like
"the look"! I guess that is why I did not
have to use it much with him.

I attempted to recreate it, but it is not
something I can force.
It had to be sincere.
We all laughed at my sad attempts to
"look mean".

The reason I mention this is for the parents
of young children who find taking them
places unpredictable and stressful.

It does not have to be that way.

Many times children act out in public
because they know you aren't going to
be quick to punish them there.

Note: Punishment does not have to involve
physical pain. The carrying out of the consequences of
discipline does not have to happen on the spot.
As soon as your child is old enough to know right
from wrong they can learn this technique.

If you have an established consequence that is
"painful enough" such as removal of a favorite
toy for a day...or something else that will
prompt the preferred behaviors, all that will
be necessary is that look from you and that
whiny child will find it within themselves to
grasp control and stop the negative behaviors.

You know your child and what his or her triggers are.

If you do not have that secret look established,
now is the time. It will save you and your child so
much anguish. Choose the consequence.
Make it one that matters to your child!
Forewarn your child what "that look" means.

Save "the look" for major infractions. Don't use it for
things that you can correct by conversations on the spot,
but believe me, if you need it...use it!

Follow through!!!!! If you have to use the look and your
child does not straighten up...DO enforce the agreed upon
consequences! Otherwise, you are going to have to work
twice as hard to earn their respect.

So many times I have wanted to pull an obviously
stressed mother over for a one-to-one parenting
consultation right there in the store. It breaks
my heart to see children stomping all over their
parents, so to speak.
I know I cannot do this,
but it doesn't keep me from wanting to!

I tried to remember to tell the children when
they were behaving well. Letting them know what
attitudes and behaviors were desired. Sometimes
we forget that we are still teaching them in
everything we do and every activity. They are
learning how to "be" in this world.
It is so easy for us to get so caught up in
the things we need to get done to push our
children mentally to the side.

I also liked to occasionally offer a positive.
Maybe a treat from the candy at the register
or something special later in the day.
However, be careful with this because I
have heard way too many parents go back on this after
there has been bad behavior and give the "treat" anyway.
Example: Jr. was pitching a fit at the register
and this was the one time that Mom or Dad
could not persevere.

Parenting young ones is a real blessing.

Parenting young ones is a real challenge.

May God richly bless those of you who are in this
stage of your life.
Love those young ones with lots of hugs, kisses,
and discipline.

3:30 am

It has been a while since I have seen this time of day...
rather than snore through it, that is.

A thunderstorm woke me and then my restless mind
took over and kept me awake. Potential jobs for the
kids, upcoming surgery, the economy, continuing ed
that needs to be completed, things I need to do for
some clients soon! Just stuff! Busy brain!

I was perusing some blogs and was caught up by
Mishel at Seasons of Life.
She was talking about mothering and ministry.

She forced me to think back to the time our children
were young and how hard it was for me to accept that in
that time being a Mommy was my calling.

Intellectually, I knew that what I was doing was important
but the day to day of changing diapers, cleaning up toys
and cheerios just did not seem life shattering. I yearned
to do something with visible impact.

Oh, if only I could have seen the impact being made right
there in our home. To see how every day our children were
learning to trust, to love, to care for others, to work together,
becoming a family who loves the Lord first.

It is not easy to see when you are
in that stage and everything else seems
more appealing... most days.

You look around and everyone seems to be doing more...at church,
in the community.
Somehow changing that millionth diaper paled in comparison.

I would encourage all mothers of young children that there is not
anything else that God desires from you at this season of your life
than to seek Him for wisdom and to be consistent in the raising of
those children.
Loving them.
Guiding them.
Keeping your home.
Giving those young children the example of parents who love and
care for each other.
Very important...life changing, really!!!

Take heart, young friends...one day you will find gray hairs
sprouting...your little ones will be teenagers...then you can
worry and fret...lol!

Sorry, that is where I am today...since I am a slow learner I would
welcome encouragement from those who have passed this way...
it would seem our teens need us almost as much as the little guys
did. It is just different.

I have the best kids on the planet.
Now to be the Mom they need...

Sigh....

Spending Time ...Pays Dividends

I was reminded this week how important it is to spend time one on one with our children. On the day that I wrote about in the Oops! post I found Jonathan and I kind of at different places in our relationship. He is seventeen now and needs to think about his future and jobs. However, because of the challenges he faces in several areas dealing with numbers and not handling the crush of time and schedules well, he is very concerned about his ability to be out in the work world and wants another year to just be a kid.

I kind of "get this" however, I believe that he should get a job and that there will be a lot of satisfaction in it and that it will surprise him how much he likes it and that he can do a lot more than he believes he can. There will be a place that suits him well.

I also found out from Jonathan that I have not been treating him with the respect that I should be. I tend to tell rather than ask when things need to be done.

Some of this comes from the knowledge that if I ask him to do certain things, I know that response I will get. So, I just tell him to do it. But, I heard what he was saying. He wants to be treated respectfully and being ordered around doesn't feel very good. I wouldn't treat my friends at Co-op like that. So then why do I do this to my child? Familiarity...bad habits. I was wrong.

By the end of our time together we were having a great time and were very much enjoying each others company. He is so fun. I love to make him laugh!

I tell on myself in this post because I hope that other parents of teens will take the time...invest the time...with your young adults.

Listen...to what they are saying.

Try not to take offense....

Nurture that relationship.

These are our final years with these young people in our homes before they move on to homes and families of their own.
This is where they learn how to be awesome parents to your grandchildren.

Time!

It is a very precious commodity.

Spend it in "one-on-ones" often.

Birds of a Feather...

You do know that old saying
about birds, feathers
and flocking together?

It is so true!

This can be good...
or bad,
depending on the birds.

I think these cute little
guys are the type that I could
hang out with.

They are close to home.
Most likely spring cleaning
their abode and getting it set
up for their family to come.

Other birds are the kind that
steal from others to take care of
themselves.
Not so crazy about that kind.

In my position as Jr and
Senior High coordinator
at our homeschool co-op,
and being the parent of teens,
I have noticed how true this
statement really is.

If you have teenagers
take a look at their friends
and you'll get a pretty good idea
of what is happening in the
mind and heart of your child.

This is the first real opportunity
for most young people to have
a lot of say in the people
they hang out with.

Up til now their social
schedule has been mostly
engineered by you or school
circumstances.

Who are they flying with?

I hope your young one is
flying with the hardworking,
reponsible birds.
((hugs))

For the Mommies....

Mommies have power.


We have the power to
shape our world.

We can change the course
of history...

One household at a time.

We have been given a great
and marvelous responsibiity...
to care for our homes
and raise up our children
in the Way they should go.

It is the Mother who is sharing
her values with that toddler
as he learns to be respectful.

It is the Mother who models
forgiveness as her little one
breaks that precious vase.

It is Mommy who models love and
respect for Daddy.
Through her every action
reinforcing the
relationship between
father and child.

It is Mommy who snuggles and
cuddles when things are scary in
this world.
She reassures that,
in God's hand,
all will be fine.

Mother has the power to build
up confidence in a young person.

She also has the power to take
that confidence away.

We, my dear mommy friends,
are preparing the next generation
of our world.

What are you doing
with your power
today?

Let's teach these young people
what is right and wrong.
Yes, there are absolutes!!!!

Let's comfort and genuinely care
about our young people
when they hurt...
And they do sometimes.

Let's come alongside them
in their dreams and goals.
We have the power
to make or break their
confidence by our responses
and expectations.

Let's treat them with respect
and expect the same from them.

Lets raise solid, strong
adults who know what
they believe
and why...

Adults who know
the Word,
and are students
of it.

Who know the value
of a dollar...
and the dangers of
debt.

Adults who wish to
get involved in
the world around them
in a positive way.

Adults who minister to
the hurting they see
around them with
compassion

This is not too much
to ask.
This is possible by
claiming...
or maybe reclaiming...
the power given to
us as mothers.

We are shaping our world.

One Child at a time!

A very good Evening...

Last evening our Countywide Homeschool Organization Presented a Workshop for parents and teens. Our speakers were Steve and Ethan Demme who travel extensively and speak on relationships in the family. It turns out that the Demme's live in the Lancaster Area and were very much looking forward to offering their speaking gifts to the local homeschool community. You can read about the content of their talk at Homeschooling at Hospitality Lane.

They were excellent. I had warned Jonathan and Mikey to be on their best behavior since Warren and I are currently the Presidents of the Board of the sponsoring organization. Our term is nearly over and we want to go out on a good note...not slouching, mad faced boys attitudes, etc.
As soon as I said it I flashed back to my time growing up as the Preacher's Kid. There were just certain things expected that not everyone else had to live by...I did not like that and here I was doing it to our boys. Sigh...

I don't think I would have needed to give that admonition. From the moment Steve Demme took the podium he had the attention of everyone in the room. He was good! I could not resist taking a peek out of the corner of my eye at the boys when certain things were said...they were right there...
getting it!

After the talk we headed to McDonalds where the fun continued. The Grandmas were with us and I think sometimes they just have to shake their heads at the conversations we have and the fun we can have together.
I KNOW they cannot get over how many double cheeseburgers the boys can eat!
It was a blast. Grandma Ruth told a couple of stories from her
younger years that had Mikey wishing he had been there to hang out with
"Young" Grandma! Too funny!

When we got home the kids did not want the fun to end.
We hung out and chatted for a little while and finally were all
headed to bed just before midnight.
Chelsea commented that it was a fun night.
Yeahhhh....this from the same kids who did not
understand why they had to go to a workshop!
Very good!

Being a family is a good thing.
It makes the hard times worth while!

To find the Demmes you can go to their web site at
www.thefamilythatstaystogether.org .

Doing the Right Thing

Sometimes being a parent is all about doing the right thing even when it makes someone, like maybe your child, angry with you. This has been a week where that has been necessary. We have had to intervene in a friendship for Mikey that was taking him in a wrong direction.

I have not enjoyed this...at all!

Mikey is not thrilled with me, at this point!

Interestingly, though, this week has also been hard for two of my friends in almost the same way. They have had to parent the hard way.

You know, I guess that is truly what parenting is. It is natural to love our children and to enjoy their company.

It is hard to do those things that bring their wrath.

We put this intervention off as long as we could and as long as Mikey was taking steps to get himself out of the situation but the friend just could not take "no" for an answer.

We only get a few years to help these young people learn how to make the right decisions and then they are on their own. We are very proud of Mikey for the conclusions he came to. He was really trying to do the right thing.

We hope he forgives us soon for stepping in and amputating the diseased friendship.

Anybody been there? Is there hope?

We are continuing to include Mikey in every family activity so he is not left alone in the house. He grumbles at the beginning but eventually warms up to the fun going on around him. We had a nice dinner, ok it was getting nice towards the end, at a local pizzeria last evening and then came home for a Wii nine hole golf game.
Mikey won!!!!
Of course!!!
He beat his Grandma who has golfed all over the country.

My prayer is that one day he will be glad for our help in this situation that was over his head. I am thankful that we were able to take this step before he got his driver's license next year. Hopefully this person will be out of his system by then.

Please pray with me that Mikey will come to see himself through the love of Christ. He hates himself right now as he deals with a very bad case of acne. It is tough. But he is so funny and likable. So popular with everyone but himself.

I think of Mark Lowery's song, This Too Shall Pass!
It will...so soon our children will be out on their own and we will be remembering these days and shaking our heads...then we will whip out those 50 gazillion photos of the grandchildren and B-R-A-G!!!!

Then we will say a prayer for our children as they, ahem, get back everything they gave us? As they parent their children!

Thanks for listening...