Today's Young Men

I guess there is just a lot of deep stuff swirling around in my head this week. Yesterday's post went long and was very opinionated and here comes another one.

A friend of mine e-mailed me the other day about her 14 year old nephew. He has taken up "cutting". If you are not aware of the practice of cutting, it is when a person does physical harm to themselves in the form of slicing skin, usually on the arms, to "let out" the emotional pain inside.

This friend knew that some time ago I had researched "cutting" and that we had gone through some tough times with both of our boys, although neither of them practiced this.

This is what I shared with my friend about raising boys...my opinions...ours are not safely grown yet,(15 and 17)...I am no expert...just sharing from the heart... and our experiences and research.

1. When a young man turns 14 something often happens inside of him that he does not understand. The hormone levels begin to surge. He often feels angry but does not know why. (We provided a punching bag for a safe outlet of emotional energy) It is often very wise to talk to your son about the changes he is now experiencing, or soon will experience. Let him know that while he may feel like the Incredible Hulk is about to come out of him that what he is feeling is normal and has a physiological reason. There is nothing wrong with him. Let him know that he can control it and provide outlets, like the punching bag or an activity where he can let that energy flow.

2. Around this time he will start to want more independence and begins to attempt to separate himself from being the little boy he has been in the family. He wants to establish his own identity.

3. His body is changing and he is scared...and a little bit proud. But it is unnerving. Perhaps with all of the hormones he now has acne. He can begin a time
of self-loathing.

4. Often times this is a period in the life of a young man when he is susceptible to vices that are harmful to him. Monitoring Computer use and friends is vital at this point. Our experience with two boys showed that both got in over their heads with different issues, but the need for them was the same. We had to be the parents and get them out of the situations that the boys were not mature enough to know how to extricate themselves from. This made one of our sons very angry initially. He is thankful now. We, as parents, sometimes have to do really hard, and unpopular things. However, if we are doing these in love...it is the right thing.

5. I used to think that as the boys got older it would be fine to leave them at home rather than take them along for family functions. I no longer believe that this should be a routine allowance. We found that in doing this it sent the message that we were ok with our son, one in particular, not acting as a part of our family. He separated more. It did not help that a certain girl was talking us down on the phone at every opportunity.
The point being that we made a conscious decision when we figured out what was happening...talked to our son about it...and changed our policy. This child is a part of our family, we need him to complete it, and so he will participate when we go places and do things.
To see how much this meant to him was surprising. Of course he resisted at first. He thought we were stealing his freedom, or didn't trust him. We just kept telling him that he is loved and an important part of the family.
By the way, about that girl. We put a stop to those phone calls. If this child was 18 we would not have been so quick to do that, but, at fourteen, we had to. He was going down quickly.

6. You must tell your teen boy often that you love him. He is feeling unloveable. He has arms and legs that have sprouted all of a sudden, he feels happy one minute and totally grumpy the next. He is confused. Part man, Part boy. He needs to know that you love him unconditionally. You shouldn't expect him to act grateful for your declarations of love...just watch for that tiny smile or softening toward you over time. Do little things to show him you love him. I drive our Mikey to work nearly every day even though he could walk...he likes it and I can do this to show him that he is important to me. It is "our time". I love to sneak in that "I love you" just as he is headed into work. He grunts but that little smile is always at the corner of his mouth.

7. Please, above all, be the parent. So many of us fall into the trap of letting go of our children too soon. We want to be their friend. The years between 13 and 16 are not the time to do this. This is a time when they need our parenting more than ever. If we can shepherd our children wisely through these years the dividends are so great on the other side.

8. Having gone through rough times with both of our boys, I am not putting myself out there as the perfect parent. However, if you were to sit down and talk to the boys, they would tell you that when they were in over their heads they needed parents who loved them to get them out of it. They have each thanked us for our interventions in their lives.

My heart breaks for the young man my friend spoke of, who is in such deep torment. One thing I am sure of is that he needs a lot of love and big time parental involvement in his life...NOW! He needs help to get through this time. We have offered to meet with the parents. I don't know if it will happen, however, we are certainly praying for this family who loves their son so much.

Today's Youth

Disclaimer: This post could be construed to sound like we have it all together and have perfect kids...oh no! We are struggling through issues just like anyone else. These are simply observations of one mother of teenagers.

Sometimes I am caught by surprise at the openness of today's teens. If you know their cues you can know whether they are hurting , angry, contented or any other various emotional tag most teens wear today. I do mean wear. As we are out at the mall or local shopping center, I get an education from my boys, who have been paying attention to these trends through kids at youth group and a teen radio show that our Christian radio station plays.

Emo: Tight pants, long sleeves(to cover the cutting) and white makeup. Reflecting emotional pain. It has its roots in music that is extremely emotional. Click on the word emo to link to an article on the subject.
Punk: The angry side of emo. Will dress for impact, pink or some other noticable hair color, in general a funky look. Just making a statement of "look at me".
Goth: All about black, death, trip pants, a statement of individuality and morbidity.

I am sure there are others but I remember my shock the first time I heard about the Emo way of presenting one's self. I thought, my goodness, they are screaming for love! They are allowing us to see their pain! I have attempted to reach out to a girl who visits our youth group sometimes. We ran into her at the mall and she was with other scary looking kids, like herself.
In other days, I likely would have been scared and put off by her but on this day she ran up to us and was so happy to see us and all I saw was a sweet, lost and confused little girl with too much time on her hands.
Where are the parents of these kids? My son, Jonathan, has a real interest in counseling one day and has been observing that many of these kids, not all, but many are crying out for attention because it is missing at home. We happen to know that in this specific girl's case she is very unhappy at home.
Teens, in general, used to scare me. Even in High School I was half afraid of my own generation and preferred adults. But now, being drawn in through having teens of my own, I can see these young people as they are. Scared, wanting their independence but being given too much to deal with, wanting a moral compass but being afraid to show it, hormones rushing and not understanding the many emotions that this causes, the highs and the lows. I see the public schools wanting to treat these children as adults. Since we came from State College, very heavy with influence from Penn State, we observed through being extremely involved, the constant desire on the part of the system to want to treat the High School students as if they were already in college. They are not ready for this. We have to look behind the words and attitudes to the real needs of these young people. We have to be the adults. They need guidelines and to have the pressure taken off of them. The pressure to be an adult before they are adults.

We must not be led astray by the growing bodies and big attitudes. What these kids need most is security and guidance with love....lots and lots of love.

Our middle son (15) is stretching into young adulthood. He pulls against us and declares that he is grown and should make his own decisions. Yet, he follows us around and talks our ears off. He spends a fair amount of time being angry and frustrated. I see the connection between his hormones spiking and whether he is getting enough sleep. I see him also feeling angry when he is not getting enough healthy food to eat. His sugar levels fluctuate and make him out of sorts. These are parent issues. It is up to us as parents to understand and spend enough time with our children to see the causes of some of these behaviors and help our children find solutions rather than just blame it on being a teenager and writing them off for a few years.
I tell my son, every day when I drop him off for work that I love him. He gives a little snort but, you know, I see the little grin as he turns away from the car. He would not want me to know that he likes being reminded of that but it is so important.
Often, lately, he wants to stay at home with his video games when the family is having an outing. For a while, I fell into the trap of allowing this and then realized that he is missing out on family memories and would quickly become disconnected if this continued. His attitudes have improved as we have made the extra effort to make sure that he knows his presence with us is desired and often required. For Mikey, at least, he needed to know that we like being with him and really miss him if he is not with us.
For the most part, because we homeschool the kids we spend the most time with do not reflect this world's clothing or attitudes. I appreciate that as a Mom, but as a Christian woman, I feel a calling to reach out and love the hurting and wounded young people around me. I don't know where this will lead but, I am willing Lord.