Mentally, I think I can muscle through just about anything. But that would be wrong.
Physically, I think, I hope, I plead with my body to just hang in a bit longer. It doesn't.
Spiritually, the hope and faith in His plan remains. Question is.....what is that plan?
Last night the physical crumbled. It had been coming on for days. Ever since last week on this very date I knew my heart wasn't the same. However, I was quite pleased at my ability to walk and walk all over the hospital. The past couple of days though I have noticed my heartbeat. Heavy and fast.
But there was much to be done. People to take care of. By last evening there was no one who needed help more than I. As I attempted to lay down to sleep my entire body throbbed to my heartbeat. As if there was a drummer inside. I attempted twice to lay down and sleep. No go.
I quietly went to the kitchen to call my doctor and ask if I could take another blood pressure pill.
He denied that and ordered me to the ER.
I told Warren. Poor man.
We went quietly. I knew I was in trouble and prayed that we would get there before anything horrible happened. Didn't want Warren in that position because of my stubbornness. We passed an ambulance on the way and I wondered if it was because I was going to pass out and then they would be close. The things your brain does when you are in distress.
There was no wait at the ER. Triaged and seen immediately I was put on monitors. It sounded at first like a regular super fast heart beat. But Warren looked up and I tensed as there was a notable two beat skip a couple of times and then the crazy began. Up to the 150's and all over the place went my heartbeat. I begged them to help me please. People showed up like crazy and they were ready for me to crash. All of a sudden it went back to the original speedy pace and the doc said that he knew what was going on. He prescribed meds to get me back under control. They took an x-ray of my chest. Found out I was dehydrated. So between the intense stress, exhaustion and dehydration I had totally whacked out my body.
Today I am still at home for the first time since Chadd's accident. Mom had off today and she and Chelsea are at the hospital. I'm praying that this very same thing doesn't happen to Chelsea. I know she is exhausted. I'm so proud of her for her efforts to stay fed and hydrated. God has blessed her with sleep at night. And so with her darling Chadd getting better day by day the stress should ease up a bit. He was a bit standoffish with her for a while due to the way he felt and looked. Last evening they took the final tube out of his face and gave him a scrub. He was a new man. It was great to see him making eye contact with her again and even reaching for her. Even guys can be concerned about their appearance. Who knew??
One week. That's all.
I think of Mrs. Kunkle's family. Can they believe it has been a week? Are they ok? Only God knows and we are not supposed to make any official contact at this point. This goes against all that is in us......but we are hoping word leaks back to them how very much we are sorry for what happened and for their loss.
I will not be discussing anything legal here or anything about the process. I apologize if it feels that we are so one sided but it is just how it needs to be at the moment. This remains simply a personal accounting of our thoughts and concerns as we walk this journey.