Together Time

If you've been married for more than a year or two

you likely know what I am going to say.

Life happens!

It gets so hard to carve out time for 

each other....even though we see each 

other multiple times daily

so often it is as if we are roommates

sharing a house.

I may be exaggerating just a bit

but I think most will understand what 

I am saying.

Too few are the times where we just sit

down and share goals and dreams

as we once did.

It seems too often that we are just trying to 

solve all of the problems, keep our kids moving

and even keep the dogs from piddling in the house

to think beyond that day.

Are you with me?

Or are you disappointed I would

admit such things?

Anyway, 

when the opportunity came up to take 

Susanna to the airport I saw our chance

to get away.

Even if it is for less than 24 hours....

spending last evening together was worth it

all by itself.

We are in a hotel suite.

It sounds ritzy but in all reality the 

price wasn't bad at all.

After our horrible experience in Kentucky 

and finding this chain I have signed up for 

their rewards program and we are 

going to book these whenever possible.

So...anyway...back to the point of this post....

Last evening we sat for hours in our 

wonderful "living room" and just

talked.  Catching up on each others 

thoughts and feelings about where we are

and where we are headed.

There were no dogs climbing all over me....

I wasn't distracted by all the things that needed to be done.

It was good.

It was real.

We needed it so much.

I often long for those days back when we

were young and idealistic.

Before the reality of life and responsibility set in.

But, having said that, 

there is little I would change

in my life.

It is life.  

We are certainly living it!

But, we come away from this time spent 

together with renewed commitment to certain 

projects around the house which will 

help all of us live a better life.

We are planning to let go of 

a lot of stuff. 

Stuff that clutters and is hard to 

clean around.

Stuff that weighs us down.

Even better, 

we are going to work together to 

make it happen.

Because, in spite of the busyness that 

so often distracts we are a team.

When the kids are all grown and with 

families of their own,

if we are blessed 

to live long enough,

it will just be He and I again.

I want to be sure I don't have to 

become reacquainted with my sweet

Warren when the last one 

leaves the nest.

I want to be on the same page.

So, curiosity makes me ask....

If you care to share...
How do you stay connected with the 

one you married?

God loves a Happy Marriage

I have at least three friends who
are in very serious struggles in
their marriages at this moment.

I do not believe that the love is
gone in any of the cases...
I believe that it is a matter of
focus and priority.

We, as Moms, focus so much on raising
our children.
Honestly, in the young years,
what else can we do?
We are swamped!

I can recall a day when the boys
were toddlers that I stood and
cried as Warren walked out the
door to work wishing so much that
it was me.

I loved my boys but I was so tired!

They were busy little guys and I needed
adult conversation and a challenge.

Looking back, I can recognize that this
period of time was so short...it just did not
feel that way, at the time.

But, we Moms, pour so much energy into our
children that what is left for our husbands
when they come home?

Do we feel like taking a walk...just the
two of us?

Do we have the extra bucks to hire a sitter
and go out to dinner?

Can we even stop to think about saying an
appreciative word to each other?

It is hard... but it is crucial!

Marriage takes work.

The work pays off in really big dividends.

A well placed word of encouragement and
confidence goes so far in making a wife
be that person her husband turns to with
both his struggles and his joys.

This is more important than anything else
required of us, ladies.

Our marriage should be our first priority.

Yes, I said, first!
Right after our time with God!

You are saying, "How?
Shouldn't the kids
be number one?"

Nope!

You are saying,
"But I have nothing left...
I am tired!"

It doesn't take a lot.

Just a special look.
A mini back rub.
An unexpected "I love you" or
"Thanks for all you do for us."

Praying for your husband.
That his day would
be profitable and that he would be well.

Carving out a time that is his and yours.

Mrs. Rabe and her husband, Tim, will sit out
on their deck together. They have six children!
They let the children know that this is their time and
they enjoy the fellowship of each others company.
I know this because she has blogged about it at
Creekside Cottage.
A wise woman, indeed!

What a great word for this time...fellowship!

We ladies love to fellowship!
We fellowship with other ladies
and other families...
but do we fellowship with
our husbands?

My Mom has one word of advice for newly marrieds
or those who have been married for 50 years...
"Pray together!"
It has the power to break down walls, to soften
hearts. It is hard to begin if you are not in the
habit...but well worth the effort.

Don't know how to begin these changes, if
this is all new and you are in a pattern that
would make this hard?
How about writing a note to your guy.
Tell him that you love him and you want to
spend some time with him.
Tell him how much he means to you and that
you have missed really being with him.

You don't have to freak him out and make him
think that you need hours...let him know that
you want to know how you can better support him
in his day and that a few minutes each day together
would help you to know how to pray for him.

He might think it strange... but he will love that
you care enough to do this!!!

Don't expect him to express this, necessarily.
Guys are sometimes hard to read.
They protect their emotions until they are sure
that we can be trusted 100 percent!
If there is a gap in that fellowship this can
take a bit of time.

He might think you want a new sink...
or a maid! Ha!

You'll just have to be consistent and love
him unconditionally until he "gets" that you
love him and appreciate him.

By the way, if you are not "feeling" the love...
pray for him. No, not that God would change HIM!
I can hear you now..."Oh, Lord, make my husband more
loveable today!" lol
That's not it!
Pray, "Lord, how can I be a better listener
for my husband? Please be with him today in all he does.
Thank you for blessing me with ______ ."
It is very hard not to love
someone that you are sincerely praying for.

I hope that even if your marriage is completely
happy that something here will give you the
inspiration to just fellowship a little more with
your spouse today and in the days to come.

Invest a few minutes each day in your marriage.
Make it your priority.

Tell me if it makes a difference.

You don't have to leave a comment for the
world. You can email me.
The address is on the side bar.

Join me in praying for the strengthening of
my friends' marriages.
In fact, we should be
praying for all of our
marriages in these fast
paced and pressure filled days.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Hi!

Glad you are here.

Please give me a minute while I
take my head out of the sand!

Man, how long have I been stuck in there?

As I have visited blogs,
I have thought some...who shall
remain nameless...
were a bit "over the top"
in their desires to tell
others how to serve and honor
their husbands.

I thought it was
a given that when I got married
my husband deserved my respect and
a reasonable effort at pleasing him.

I have areas where I struggle here...
I may share them someday, but that is
not the point of this post.

Over the last couple of days I have been
amazed at the number of acquaintances I
have spoken with who really are not
honoring their husbands or giving them the
respect that they deserve.
I don't believe the people who inspired this
"little rant"
read my blog so I am not targeting
anyone directly, I promise!!!

I cannot believe that I am typing this post!

Truly.

My heart is just aching for the relationships that
"could be".

Simple things:

A welcoming attitude - Be glad to see him!

Knowing those little things that are
important to him and doing them
consistently.

Praying for him.

Taking time out with him, alone.

Sharing your heart with him.

Letting him know you love him.

Teaching your children to honor him.

Recognizing his work as a provider.

Listening to him intentionally.


These simple steps can go so far to improve your
life and your marriage. I am probably speaking
to the choir. Most of the people who read my
blog have been saying these same things on theirs
for a while now...I have seen it modeled my whole life by
my Mom, who is a great role model and one of my
dearest friends.
I know not everyone is so blessed as to have the
example from your upbringing.

If you are not making a purposeful effort to
honor and respect your husband, I challenge you
to start today. The rewards are great!

It is so easy to fall into a pattern of
just living together and passing through
the challenges of parenting, making a living,
dealing with losses, being involved in a
church, ministry...life!

Your relationship just kind of gets
ignored.
Guilty ~ On some counts.
However, I have never knowingly lost the
honor and respect for my husband that I
am hearing about
and observing over the
last week.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

It is not that hard!

With trepidation and a humbled heart I am
going to push the publish post button now.

Have a great day!

Money and Marriage - Part Three

In my last post on this subject I laid out the problem that I often run into. The cyclical effect of a husband who feels that he works as hard as he can to provide the best he can without recognition of this at home. I know that this is not the case in every home but have seen enough in my 13 years in the financial field to know that it is common.

So, now we have a husband who is drifting further and further from the place that should be his “cave”. The place where he can let go and just be himself. He is “shutting down”.

Your husband has earned the right to relax and enjoy his own home. He carries a heavy burden. Ask any single Mother who has had to take on this responsibility…we who do not have this responsibility do not want it!

I know that I would not want the responsibility of bringing home the paycheck that provides for the mortgage/rent, electricity, food, clothing, and all of the other essentials of life. If I were putting my whole self into that provision and then came home to be told regularly that it was not enough, I would begin to struggle with feelings for the person bearing this news!

While there may be an issue, and there may need to be changes made. Doing that without sabotaging your relationship is important.

Begin a campaign of appreciation.

Be sincere.

Notice when he is struggling. Let him know that you know he is doing it for his family. It is not wrong to thank him for his time and energy spent providing for the family. Be purposeful on this…if you are at the point where communication is lagging time is of the essence. It will be hard but you can do it. You must do it if you want restoration of a relationship that once was.

I can hear you saying…but what about me? When do I get to be appreciated for all that I do for this family? I know! I have been there too. Trust me on this part and your efforts will be appreciated too, in the near future.

IF things are very tense between you and your spouse, do not attempt, at this point to connect this with your money issues. You must first let him know how much he is loved and appreciated. Do whatever cutting back you need to do to keep the budget working while you get the communication back in your marriage. It will be vital to the next step.

Simple things like a big smile and a greeting when he comes home are amazing. He knows that he is wanted in his home! My Chelsea showed me this. She cannot wait for her Daddy to get home. He loves that she greets him with enthusiasm. You know, it makes sense…don’t we all want to be wanted and have someone happy to see us?

Provide opportunities for him to share about his day. This is tricky at first…but after a few times where he sees that you are not going to attempt to problem solve about things that he shares…you are just listening and supporting him…he will do more and more sharing.

When Warren and I had been married a little more than a year we made a decision to move to York, PA. As our home was for sale in Centre County we stayed with Warren’s Grandma Charlotte in York for a while. I’ll never forget the first evening Warren came home from his first day at his new job. He came in the door and I greeted him with questions, “How did it go? Do you like it?”

Warren’s Grandmother had the “nerve” to tell me to back off. She settled him into a chair and had him put his feet up and would not let me talk to him until he had his cup of coffee…I was so offended. This was my husband and I wanted to ask him about his day. She knew he was tired and would feel more like talking after some time of nurturing. I think both Grandma Charlotte and I were at extremes. Somewhere in the middle is probably more practical and sensible but it shows the extremes and the changes that have entered our society as it relates to relationship roles.

I, often, will hear nothing about Warren’s days unless we head out of the house to dinner or on an errand. For us there is something about being in the car…not facing each other that makes it easier for him to share. We love to take road trips because we have great conversations about all kinds of heart and life issues as we drive.

Whatever you find that works for you…become an expert in making that happen. I have had to learn that he is not sharing work challenges with me so that I can make it better. It just helps him to work it through. I am a “problem-solver” so I want to jump in with suggestions…not what he is looking for!

I hope that if you are struggling…or even if things have just settled into a blah routine…a minor modification here will help to get things back on track. It is work. A happy marriage is not something that just happens.

So, with this in mind…have a very blessed day and appreciate that husband of yours. He is working to take care of you.

Your Friend,

Money and Marriage - Part Two

I know this does not apply to everyone, but it is on my heart right now for someone out there. I hope that if you know of a couple who struggles in this area you may be able to pass on this information.

As is the case in so many areas, it is not major changes that need to be made but tiny adjustments to the way we think and communicate that pay huge dividends.

So, regular readers, please bear with me if you do not relate to this struggle. There are many who do...Perhaps Valentine's Day will be more special for one couple somewhere because communication is opened up in a new way...hurts are mended and love is restored.

There are some general dynamics that affect most of us in our marriages, as it relates to our finances. It helps to understand the cause of the disconnect we sometimes feel.

The first one that comes to mind is that the husband usually carries his ability to provide for his family as his primary role and burden.

This is built into him and is very important. It is vital that the wife recognizes this and builds him up in this role.

If we, as wives, are constantly worrying and complaining about our financial situation our husbands will often take this as a sign of failure. He wants to be successful in caring for his family. He needs for you to be proud and supportive of him.

Sometimes he is working a job he has absolutely no passion for because he wants to be a good provider. Having us whine and complain may have the effect of making him feel beaten down.

As wives, we can sometimes see a solution, but how we present it is important. Sometimes we knock the very person down that we are attempting to help in our rush to “Fix” the problem. This is where talking and listening come into play.

Plan a time out with your spouse…or better yet…get the kids out of the house and sit down with coffee and a good dessert to devise a plan that both of you can be excited about. Note: IF things have progressed to a major communication breakdown, this is not the time for making a financial plan...wait for tomorrow's post.

As his wife, begin telling your husband how much you appreciate all that he does for the family. Mean it!

He gets up and goes to work... maybe you do too... but we women are wired differently and do not take the responsibility as our identity like our husbands do.
It is who they are. From the time they are looking for their first job and then getting married they are looking for that employment that will enable them to “take care of” someone else.

Problems grow larger if the job found is not something that he is passionate about. Resentments can grow. He feels he is not appreciated in his work and comes home grumpy. We don’t understand and resent his mood and suddenly we have ourselves a cycle.

Now, there is a general sense of being unappreciated at work and at home…he has no place to really be himself…so he finds a hobby that gets him out of the situation, out of the home that should be a respite.

You are now in a position of being like two magnets pushing away from each other. Communication slows or stops…you live in the same house but things are just not the same as they once were.

Does this sound familiar?

Tomorrow I’ll deal with some practical ways to help you express your concerns in a way that does not isolate your husband.

Money and Marriage

I was watching the news the other day and I heard that divorces are up during this time of the year. I know there are many reasons for this but one that was not mentioned was stress about money.

It is very obvious in my line of work the effect that these kinds of stresses bring to a marriage. I have set in many a home where the couple are just on such different pages that it would seem impossible. But, it is not.

When money is the cause of problems in a home three things can make a huge difference.

1. Really listening to each other.
What is it that is the sticking point? Most time it is that one person is a spender and the other a saver. Sometimes one feels insecure about their knowledge about money. Often, it is that the debt level has grown so high that neither knows what to do next and the stress causes them to focus less on the relationship and more on the emergency. There are many reasons for differences, the key is hearing your spouse out and making sure you understand what is important to them.

2. Seeking a solution. Every problem has a solution. Sometimes couples need outside help to find that solution. I love being that person for my clients. While it is tough, at times, to be in an appointment that has grown to the point of hard feelings, it is always satisfying to be able to bring them together on a common goal...a solution to the problem.

3. Following the steps of the solution together. It is great to have a known solution but unless the plan is followed there will be no change. There have been times that I have simply had to decide to move on when couples would meet with me and then go off to their old pattern over and over again. They were not ready or willing to make the changes that were necessary. Others have grasped hold of the hope offered and truly made a difference in their finances, and then as a result, in their marriage. Cheerleading and coming along side a couple like this brings great joy and satisfaction!

As I heard these attorneys and marriage experts on the news I wanted to get my two cents in there. Statistics bear this out as a primary cause of divorce.

Here we are, after Christmas, in a year that gas and heating prices are at an all time high. Debt levels are really climbing in most families and they need help. Housing prices have dropped significantly in most markets. The financial atmosphere out there is scary. I am sure that many divorces could be avoided if couples were able to work together on a mutual goal...their financial future.

I am considering posting some general advice on this topic in the weeks to come. Do not consider this solicitation but general information that may help someone you know.