I woke up from thinking. Thinking in my sleep. Processing thoughts of conversations had and heard. Conversations with our dear friends, The Mussers. Words I said. Words they said. Events as they happened. And pain. Physical and real pain for the loss and grief.
We can have all of the faith and hope in the world that our little friend, Tommy, is with Jesus and that he is happy and whole and yet we suffer intense sadness. My sadness is for his family. Tommy remains an integral part of who they are. And because this part is no longer living in their home and participating in their daily activities there is a huge hole. Even the lack of need for care is a source of pain to the one who devoted her days to him. How devastating.
I am somewhat surprised at my response to all of this. I'm not surprised that I would grieve. Not at all....but at the depth and intensity of it. Tommy was not my son. I had not had a lot of physical interaction with him over the past few months, simply because I had not seen him as frequently. However, he already had my heart. You cannot pray for someone as we prayed for him over the past one and a half...probably two years (as the adoption process takes a while) and not have them come to be very important to you. Tommy was so bright and shining. Tommy radiated joy. His eyes danced at all of the wonders around him. Can you imagine what it must have been like for him? From a crib....his home for 16 years....to Lancaster County and all that he found here? Parents, siblings, friends, a home, swings, green grass, creeks, and so much more..........a literal whole new world.
He loved his family...and they loved him. Completely.
I read the more than 300 loving comments on Susanna's blog and know that many people have the same reaction to this situation as I. They are feeling the loss. Can you really believe it? This boy who someone found unworthy of proper care so long ago in another place has proven them so wrong. He has shown all the simple power of a brilliant smile and how far gratitude goes in touching the heart. The very fact that we grieve is testimony to a loss. You cannot mourn the loss of something without value. Oh.....this one had much value. He was priceless. In many ways he was "our Tommy". Joe and Susanna were generous to share him with all of us.
And so....my rambling will stop here....and my prayers will continue. For my dear sister in the Lord who battles arrows from the enemy. Arrows bearing lies and guilty thoughts. I pray that she will become very proficient at using the shield of faith to cause those arrows to be diverted and fall harmlessly. She is most heavy on my heart at this hour. May Jesus wrap His loving arms around Susanna and bring her peace in the midst of this horrible storm. Praying that Our Father is more real to her now than ever before. Only He can be her total and complete comfort. Only He knows why He chose to bring Tommy to Himself at this time.
As for the rest of us.....we pray on. We make food. We send cards. But most importantly....we pray on.